“All is flux, nothing stays still “
A couple days ago one of my friends, well, actually one of my old friends sent me this direct message on twitter, asking if she did something wrong to me, because she felt so. I didn’t know what she meant by that, because I didn’t think she did anything wrong, so I told her everything was just fine and I asked her what had happened for all of a sudden she asked me that. She told me that I was being different, I was acting so cold toward her. She said I wasn’t being a good friend anymore.
I got so confused since I didn’t try to act different at all. This old friend kept saying that I was a different person back then. The only thing I could do is to tell her that, well, everybody has changed. Even everything has changed. This old friend was like one of my closest friend back then in elementary years, and we also attended the same junior highschool. We were very close, we talked about almost everything in elementary years, my mother and her’s knew each other also. But that was all about it. When we entered our highschool (we attended different school), we’ve stopped hanging out with each other, not that we intended to, but it just that we’ve started having our new friends, we’ve started to meet our new hobbies and interests, we’ve changed ourselves, so it all have changed everything we were. We’ve tried many times to get things back to how it were before, but it didn’t work. At least, it didn’t work with me.
For me personally, I guess it was pretty normal to change. I don’t mind with all of the changes if they were have to. But this friend of mine, insisted that my attitude might have been changed toward her because she did something wrong to me. She told me that there was got to be something wrong because she knows me too long and she knows me well, so that she could tell if there was something wrong between me and her.
I felt like I was being judged and I was offended by that. I wanted to tell her that nothing has gone wrong, it was just that we’ve changed and there was nothing we could do about it. I would like to tell her that she has no right telling me that I was acting like someone else, and I would like to tell her that she might thinks she knows me that well, but the fact, she doesn’t. She doesn’t know me for who I am now. I would like to tell her that it has been years since the last time we actually talked to each other about things we do, or things we like. It has been years since we felt like connected with each other and that we really could share things with each other. I would like to tell her that she must stop bugging me with all of those ‘we are bestfriends’ thingies, because deep down inside, every one of us know that we aren’t.
Fortunately, I didn’t do that. I didn’t tell her any of that.
Instead, I came to think of what made me so annoyed with her words. Was it just because the way she said those things, or was it all because the timing is so sudden, or what?
Then, I realized that I am this person who doesn’t really like to talk about my past (exception for my love-life past). I don’t like to discuss about who I was before this and have to compare about who I was and who I am now. I just don’t like it. I like the way I am now, I am pretty content with my life, so I dislike so much when some people from my past talked about I am not being me (at least they say that I am not who I was before).
I was a very shy girl back then (and by shy I didn’t mean it to be untalkative, I was pretty talkative since the day I was born I guess). But yes, I was this shy girl who didn’t like herself, who didn’t know what to do, or how to act properly. I was this unsure girl that always feel like I was ugly, unlike my other friends, I was always feel different with the other girls in school (especially in my junior high years). My friends from my elementary and junior high years might have not acknowledge all of this things going on inside my mind, because, just like I said, I was a talkative girl, so people wouldn’t notice that behind all of those cheerful attitude back then, I was always felt like I didn’t fit in very well. Well, I hung out pretty much, I had friends to talk, I made bestfriends with some kids, some of them are my friends till now, but there was time when everything was just, admittedly confusing. I did what other people did just to be accepted with them. I never really sure who I was back then.
But well, everyone learned everything from their past, and so do I. People learn, therefore people change, they say. That’s why I learn to accept myself more, I learn from every person that I met about what makes me, well, me. I learn about what I like to do, what I want, what my goals are, what I want to do in my life, and learn about who I want to be. I also learn to accept that I don’t have to please everybody just to be accepted, because through the times I realized that there are people who accept me for being who I am, or at least, they accept the fact that I’m changing and that I’m still trying to figure out who I am and what’s life is to me, and help me with it. There will always be (those kind of people, I mean). Those kind of people also understand that being confused with yourself is actually a normal way to find who you really are. It’s a part of our developmental task. It’s a part of growing, it’s a part of being human. And maybe all of my elementary and junior high friends felt the same way as I did, but we never really talked about it.
So, it annoys me when suddenly, some old friends from the past came to me just to tell me that I was being different in a negative way nowadays (according to them). It annoys me so much, because hey, they never really knew me that well back then, why they bother about who I am now? I never complain anything about them changed the way they were or things like that. I could be harsh to her, but, the other side of me taught that she must have had her own reason saying those things and it was my job to understand it without judging her (that’s what I learned about empathy in every lecture that I got in class(es)). Well it might be that she was just really feel guilty about I don’t know what, or that she just wanted to talk about something with me but didn’t know how to start the conversation, or that she just missed the way I was before, or that she didn’t think about how her words might affected me, or it was simply because she doesn’t understand me that much, and so many other reasons that could come up.
In the end, I told her that each of us have met so many people within all of these years behind, we have learned so many things about who we are, what we like to do, what we wanted to do with our lives, about everything around us. So that those things make us different person from who we were back then, and nothing wrong about that. Yet I promised her that I’ll try to catch up with things as much as I could, and see if it works. Because I knew I don’t want to lose any friend, not the kind of friend like her.
That time, I knew she didn’t mean something bad with her words, we were just two different old friends who changed a lot about ourselves, simply because we’ve learned our own lessons.
Change alone is eternal, perpetual, immortal. — Arthur Schopenhauer
– D! –