21 Years Old-Rambling

I had my 21st birthday on March 25th of which not too special I guess. In US, 21 is the minimum age of drinking alcohol, it also means being legal to drive, and to get married. In Indonesia, of which where I’m staying, being 21 is not considered as something special. Still, being 21 has its own uniqueness for me, moreover its developmental-tasks that come up with. Hereby I won’t say much, let me just do a reflection of being a 21 years old-woman (I’d say woman instead of girl, since being 21 sounds a bit old for a girl). Here are the random facts I think only few people know about me in my 21 years old life.

1. I am a haughty and fastidious person

At least that’s what my sisters told me. I feel offended when they told me this (not at the same time), yet again I think maybe they were right. This might have something to do with the next fact I’m about to tell you guys.

2. I judge too much upon everything it makes me tired

Here is the most ridiculous part of me. I often say I can’t stand people who judge prematurely without trying to know and understanding about what they judge, while in fact, I do that. I note that for many times I begin to dislike things or people’s behavior without getting to know them first to understand what motives behind them. I make assumptions and believe them as facts, therefore I generalize things often. It gets worsen when after making assumptions and judging them, I tend to underestimate (and ridicule, in some cases) some people that have anything to do with the assumptions. It was sometimes seemed like I’m having this moral-standard of everything happened in this world around me. This is what makes me a haughty and fastidious person. Not to mention I do some cynical commentaries upon everything I dislike, though rarely. Most of the time I keep the judgments all by myself and playing around with them in my mind, which makes me so damn tired because everything would seem so wrong for me. Fortunately, I’m not brave enough to spill them into words, for I know I am wrong in most of them.

Only some of my closest ones know these habit of mine, and now you’ve read this, please don’t hate me, people. I know I’m not wise enough as a 21 years old-woman. I should learn more about putting myself  in others’ shoes.

3. I worry too much about so many things

I think and worry about so many things. Here, deep inside, I hold so many fears about everything in the future. Have I told you guys before that the future freaks me out? I worry about my thesis (well who doesn’t?). I worry about my dad’s health. I worry about my sisters education. about my education. I worry about I will not finding someone who’ll love me like my dad loves my mom. I worry about my financial state. I worry about being alone and lonely in the end. I worry about being left by my loved ones. I worry about being the first child in the family and has to take over everything when the time is come and my dad is no longer sufficient to support us. I worry I won’t be able to have a sufficient life in the future. I worry about not achieving the dreams I hold.

I am worried constantly about these things lately. Like, I think about these every time. I don’t know where this come from, the worries I mean. Maybe I’m a bit neurotic?

* I choose the term ‘I worry about’ instead of  ‘I am worried about’ to magnify the ‘regularly’ sense.*

4. I constantly miss my mother.

Well, it is pretty normal I guess, since I lost her when I’m still 17. I miss her presence in the morning, when she was very busy preparing breakfast for us. I miss her loud voice which (almost) always yelled about everything. I miss the way she wiped out my tears and told me that everything is going to be alright. I miss the way she told her stories about her activities, or about her old-times. I miss her cook, for they were the best in this world (at least in my world). I miss reading her text-messages for me asking where was I and why I wasn’t home by that time, or asking had I have my lunch properly. I miss the smell of her hair and the softness of her skin when she held my hand. I miss the way she smiled or they way she laughed of my dad’s obscured jokes. I even miss her cynical attitude toward things. I miss everything in her.

Moreover, I miss how my dad looked when she was still around. He looked so much in love with her, and he always looked happy and excited in everything he did.

There are times when I really really (as in REALLY) wish she was still here. You know, to listen to my stories, to share the feelings about everything, to give me those boring-advices, and even to yell at me. There are times when I need her guidance at the most, and not everyone else. Well, this is something I’ve never teold people before, because I know it wouldn’t be fair for my sisters were younger than me, yet they never complain about this. So I thought it would be better if I stay silent about this.

Ok, all teary eyed from writing this. I feel like a fool, an honest fool.

Does being 21 makes me even more fragile and mushy? Oh, crap.

– D! –

4 comments

  1. dheasekararum

    Aduh gawat.

    I was so emo these past few days , and I was in the need of talking with someone when I wrote this post. Since I couldn’t find anyone, a thought of writing something about my mother crossed my mind, and that’s what made this post written in this way.

    It’s not an usual thing for me, writing something personal in such a lucid and emotional way. I didn’t mean to make anyone sad though. Maaf ya Ania!

    – D! –

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