On Being Lost (?)

“Not all those who wander are lost”

(J.R.R. Tolkien)

Lately I’ve been wondering if I had lost my way in life.

I have been through a lot of different things and feelings in the past few years. I have been juggling with sadness, fears, grief, heartbreaks, doubts, regrets, suffering and angers, in the essence that my life is no different with anyone else in this world. Hence, I know that everyone is trying to find their own ways around this crazy world as well.

Yes, life frustrated me at times. And although sometime it feels rather discouraging, I have to admit that I was never one who is so sure about myself either. But for as long as I can remember, I was always been this girl who knew how to regulate my coping skills through all kinds of storm. I was so used to rationalized things and understood my emotions before I  sucked things up and keep moving towards my goal.

But, it seems like I had lost the compass that I carried in my pocket in order to direct the course of my life journey. Especially regarding ‘career’ decision.

In the past 2 years, I have changed job 3 times, within 2 different industries. I have been dealing with a wide range of different tasks, from compiling job candidates CVs, recruiting, delivering training programs, doing research, teaching, writing for an online media until negotiating rental price with property agents.

I don’t really know what I’m pursuing anymore.

I know life is trying to tell me that I was too young to figure things out, and I’m too young to settle. That I have to keep moving, to keep searching. I have to keep working on things in order to sort them out, slowly, one by one.

I know that life is trying to tell me to accept things the way they are and stop complaining. It tried to tell me how to be patient. Life is trying to tell me to go immerse myself within works and learn a thing or two. To solve one or two problems.

Well, I’m worried that recently the search doesn’t appeal to me anymore.

And I’m so scared of the thought.

I’m so scared to see that the place where hopes and dreams were once the fuels that drive me forward are long gone. I’m so scared that one day I have to admit that life doesn’t fascinate me enough anymore for me to keep going.

I hope that day will never come. 

I hope this is just me being a little tired of things around. Maybe this is just me who is momentarily longing for the state of content. Of not worrying too many things at once. I hope this is just a phase where I simply missed the feelings when I had things good, when I felt like I belonged to somewhere safe–a phase that I will get over with.

I hope all of this are temporary. 

And that I’m not lost, I just have to wander and take it slow.

 

 

 

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