As some of you might have figured, I had gone through my thesis defending day. It wwas on June 21st and I was lucky enough Ramda was in Jakarta so he could be with me during the event and helped me with my preparation. If some technical difficulties with the computer were not to be considered, the preparation and the process itself went well. I, surprisingly, was able to present my research fluently and my thesis supervisors were cooperative enough to help me through the day. Wita and Silmy were there waiting for me and Ramda gave me white lilies, like what I’ve always wanted. My mention tab on twitter was flooded with congratulations and for the very first time within the last 8 months, I could breathe easily for a day.
How does it feel?
Just like others immediately asked me after acknowledging the news.
Sometimes, to be asked of how you feel towards an event can bring some complex and deep thinking process. Just like this one I got here. How do I feel?
Well, it was one fine day on June and I definitely was grateful to be able to finish my study on time. But graduation is an event which brought you a whole range of intense emotions. As for me, the day had becoming a symbol of my next step towards adulthood. There is this euphoric moment of happiness and excitement on one side, yet there is also this depressive state filled with doubts and insecurities of life on the other side.
Of course I am happy knowing I can now find a job to support my family and not having to pay another 13million IDR for another academic term. I also get excited of how it will be to have a professional career and meeting new people. It is certainly easier for me now to take further steps in life when I don’t have any academic responsibility anymore. Meanwhile, I am now getting back my leisure time to read whatever books I want to read, write more often, and doing exactly everything I want to do as long as it doesn’t cost me too much money.
But a change is still a change. It brought you the feeling of fear of the unknown. Everything is no longer familiar. I can no longer have KLD #17 around me like how I used to. New tasks and responsibilities will come and new skills will need to be gained. Life will becoming even more harsh in adulthood, that’s what they said. Lots of decision making and problem solving skills will be needed to get through it. Lots of painful loss will be there.
Will I be able to find a convenient job? Or am I good enough for that? Will I be able to take care of my family? Will I still be envious towards my friends whose life I consider easier? Will I be able to finally find what I really need? Will I still feel lonely? Will I finally understand my own feelings? Will I ever be able to let go?
There are these mixed up emotions hence I couldn’t simply answer the question of how I feel right now.
The gorgeous white lilies Ramda gave me
What comes next?
Will one ever get acquainted to the surprise(s) life brings?